Had I known
by leighton.c
Summary: Had Embry known about his past then maybe, just maybe, his life may have been different.
1. Past

**A/N:- This story came to me whilst I was writing chapter 5 of Leah Clearwater: Misunderstood, and I just had to get it off my chest. It's not finished but it won't really be that long of a story. From here on out, there's going to be a chapter about Embry's present and then one on Embry's future which is also going to be the epilogue. I know taking on another story whilst I'm writing 2 already isn't the brightest idea, but I needed to write this. If you want me to carry on writing any of my stories then please review, it gives me motivation to write. Otherwise I lose all heart then I give up.**

**I found Embry to be quite an interesing character in the series. More so than any of the main characters like Edweird and Is-a-gay-la (Bella). I don't know what it is with and making all her main characters very 2D in personality and then giving her 'extras' like Embry, Rosalie, Jasper and Leah the most interesting mindsets and personalities, but the just leaving them. But I guess it coud also be the fact that they haven't really been explored as much as the others. **

**Anyways,going off on a tangent as usual, this is just Embry's mind when he moves to La Push and he makes friends with Jacob and Quil. The first bit is his mother and his father, just think of this as the introduction to the story. The next chapters are going to hopefully be much longer than this one. I just wanted to set the scene about him confronting his mother about his past, which iswhat the next chapter is about. **

**Happy Reading, ad I'm sorry if I disappoint anyone with my interpretation of Embry!**

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**Past**

She didn't hesitate when he began planting kisses down her neck. She had been waiting for this moment forever. She knew she wanted to do this the first time she laid eyes on him. They slipped out the back entrance and ended up outside. He pushed her against the bar wall, kissing her neck as he slid her underwear off of her.

He did minimal foreplay he didn't need to do more than the absolute necessary. She was ready for him.

He slid down his jeans and entered her quickly. She moaned his name as he thrust into her.

"Oh God I'm coming." She shouted.

She reached her climax a few seconds before he reached his. Pulling out of her he realised what a huge mistake he had made. He had just betrayed his wife, his family just for a few seconds of pleasure. Feeling guilty and disgusted with himself he quickly walked away without a second glance. She wouldn't remember any of this in the morning; she was much too drunk to understand what she was doing.

* * *

"Move it mongrel" I hear a cry from across the playground.

I have always been the kid with no friends. Why would anyone want to befriend me? I am the kid with no father. The kid that does not belong nor here nor there.

I am sitting on a swing kicking at the dirt wishing that I had a father. My mom just tells me that my dad can't take care of me because he has other things to take care of. I'm not stupid, I know what it means. I know that I am not meant to be here. I know my dad has another family out there somewhere.

I am lost in thought when I hear two boys walk up behind me. I gasp, these guys can't be up to any good, no one ever talks to me unless it's to insult to me. I cautiously turn around to face the people who are about to rearrange my face for me. I expect to find some fifth graders with angry expressions on their faces but instead I am greeted by warm smiles

"Hi! You must be Embry, I'm Jake" the bigger one of the two introduces himself holding out his hand.

I meekly nod and shake his hand, worried he is going to turn on me any second.

"Hi Embry, I'm Quil!" The shorter one says.

I nod and turn back to sit in my swing. I don't know what to do, I have never had friends and am worried that I am going to ruin this friendship before it even begins.

Both Jacob and Quil sit in the swings next to me and start up a conversation about football.

That's how I came to know Jacob Black and Quil Ateara.

Though had I known about my father then, maybe, just maybe things might have been different.


	2. Present

**A/N:- So this is chapter 2 of Had I Known. It's the conversation between Embry and his mom.**

**Hope you enjoy, and review even if you hated it :)**

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****Present.**

_You can go run the perimeter one more time. _I hear her think

_What are YOU going to do? _I question. If she thinks that she is going to be let off early then she has another thing coming.

I am on patrol with Leah Clearwater. Anyone who knows me knows that I hate this girl with a passion. Yet Jacob has us conveniently patrolling alongside one another.

Secretly I think Jacob is trying to help us resolve our differences. Too bad he doesn't realise I don't need any help. Nothing on earth will make me want to willingly befriend Leah Clearwater. Not after what she has said.

I am the only one who has a strong dislike for Leah Clearwater in our pack. Jacob and Seth obviously have to like her. Seth is her brother and therefore is compelled to love her, though it doesn't mean he is immune to Leah's witty sarcasm and spiteful comments. On the contrary, Seth is the hardest hit by them. Jacob, for some unknown reason, has taken to appointing her his beta and this information came as a surprise. I always thought he would have chosen either me or Quil as his second in command. I guess I was wrong.

Over the years, Leah and Jacob have developed a special bond. I say this because what they really have is something much more than that. The irony was not lost on me. Who would have thought that Leah would do to Nessie, what Emily had done to her? It is different in the sense that Sam had imprinted on Emily and Jacob has not imprinted on Leah, but it is similar because in both situations a happy couple have been separated.

I will never know what it's like to imprint. I don't think I am destined to find my soul-mate. Not if fate has a part to play in it. I see the imprint couples playing happy families everywhere I go.

I see Sam and a pregnant Emily and their son, Sam Jr. also known as SJ. I see them with smiles on their faces, living the perfect life; but I also see the cracks underneath their happy exterior. I see the strain in Sam and Emily's relationship. I see the worry in Sam's eyes when he sees his son, how he wonders if fate will be as cruel to SJ as it was to him.

I also see the way he looks at Leah; though he will never openly admit it, he still loves her. The way jealousy and anger contort his expression when he sees Leah and Jacob together. He secretly still wishes that it was him and Leah and not Emily and him.

Which brings me back to imprinting. I am certain I will never imprint, it doesn't faze me though. I wouldn't want to be subjected to that kind of love. I don't see the appeal in submitting yourself solely to one person.

Jacob, though he has an imprinted, doesn't feel the pull that the others do. I can feel how he feels about Nessie when we phase, and it isn't nearly as strong as what he feels for Leah. This leads to question the whole concept of imprinting and whether it isn't just a psychological condition in some of the wolves who have some sort of inferiority complex.

I have become so consumed by my thoughts that I forget Leah's presence and fail to notice her ranting and raving about how I should mind my own 'fucking business' instead of worrying about hers.

_Life doesn't revolve around you Leah. I was just thinking about imprinting in general, and you happen to come up a lot when it comes to this topic. You seem to have a lot of experience with imprinted couples. _I tell her simply.

_Bullshit. You've always hated me and you're only bringing up this shit because you have to get back at me from insulting you and your pathetic mother. Wake up kid; I don't give a flying fuck about what you think about me or what your whore of a mother does either. In case you haven't noticed, everything I said about you was true. You are a bastard child with a dirty whore for a mother._ She bites back.

_You have no fucking right to talk about my mother like that you bitch!_

_And you have no right to talk about me like that you son of a bitch. I bet your mother hasn't told you a thing about your past or her dirty little secret._

I pause for a second and go over what Leah has just said. I wonder how she knows so much about my mother. Before I can think about this situation any further, Leah interrupts.

_I have my sources_. She tells me before phasing out and leaving alone to think about our conversation.

All these years I had purposefully not asked my mother about my father. I did not want to know who he was because it was inevitable that I would have known him. My only options were that of Billy Black, Quil Sr. or Joshua Uley and two of those men were the fathers of my best friends. I have always liked to think my father was Joshua Uley, for he had a reputation of being a sleaze and was never a good father to Sam. Secretly I wished it was either Jacob's father or Quil's father because then I might just be able to fit in with them, I wouldn't have felt as distant from the pack as I did.

Everyone has tried to make me feel welcome, to make me feel a part of the pack, but despite their efforts I have never felt like I belong. Oh I know it sounds cliché but it is true. Watching from a distance at pack gatherings I see how everyone has known each other for generations, how they greet each with such warmth and familiarity. I seem so out of place.

I have never given much thought to these things. I thought them trivial in the past. Lately I have come to realise that these things are those which shape me as a person.

Had I known who my father was, maybe I wouldn't be so secretive or so self-conscious. After I finally understood my background and how it affected people's views on me, I had hidden behind my shyness. I never approached people. I had always waited for people to approach me. Now I realise that if I had a father maybe my childhood would have been different.

I phase and pull on my cut-offs. I finally decide to have the long overdue chat with my mother about my father.

.............

I walk home purposefully. As I walk I think, about my father, about my mother and about my friends. I think about how my mother had willingly done it with the man who was my father. Surely she must have known that he was a happily married man? That he had a kid? Or kids in Billy Blacks case.

The more I think, the angrier I get. How could my mother have been so careless? How could she have interfered like that? I begin to shake with anger this surprises me because normally I have never have problems when it comes to my anger. I was probably the calmest person in pack or a close second next to Seth.

I storm in the door and walk straight to the living room where I know where she will be.

"Who is he" I shout as soon as I walk into the room.

She looks up, startled. She was obviously not expecting this.

"Who is who?" She questions, puzzlement written all over her face.

"You know exactly who I'm talking about" I say my eyes narrowing.

I know that shouting isn't going to get me anywhere but I can't help it. I am not even thinking about what I am saying. It just seems to come out of its own accord.

"Look Embry, are you sure you want to know? I don't think now is the best time, you look a mess" She says.

She still has no idea about my shapeshifting abilities and I don't intend on telling her. She never tells me anything.

"THEN WHEN IS THE RIGHT TIME? WHEN I FIND OUT FROM SOMEONE ELSE?" I shout. I know I can't lose control in front of mother. Though I am angry at her, I would never wish pain upon her.

"Embry, can you please calm down. I'll tell you, but listen to me. You can't judge me for what happened. Promise me that." She says, tears beginning to fall down her cheeks.

"I can't promise you anything" I whisper.

I know my mother never wished for any of this. I know that I was a mistake to her, she didn't plan me. I never understood why she kept me but I have a feeling I would find out today.

"I was young at the time, a fool" She begins. "I had known Billy Black since high school, he would often come down to the Makah Reservation to meet up with friends, I knew from that moment he came down for the first that I wanted to end up with him. Though he probably had no idea existed let alone give me the time of day. At the time he was with Sarah Boure. I didn't think it was going to last long so I kept positive. During some of his later visits I worked up the courage to speak to him, he seemed like a nice guy. Over the next few months we became friends. The last time I saw him was A few years later I found out from one of his friends on the reservation that he was getting married to Sarah. I was devestated." She says

I snort. I figure it's a ploy for me to feel sorry for her. I can't fathom why she would be so upset over some man she had only known for a few months. She seems to pick up on my skeptism for she continues.

"I know it seems hard for you to understand but it's true. I felt strongly about him. A few years after his wedding, he came down to the bar where I was on the Makah reservation. I was surprised to see him and after my shift was over I sat down to talk to him. He told me that he had been having problems with his marriage and had taken off for a few days to clear his head. We must have gotten drunk after this because I don't remember anything afterwards. All I remember is waking up on the sofa with the worst hangover I had ever expereinced.

"The next few months were the most confusing of my life. I found out I was pregnant 2 months later and began to panic, I had to move out because my parents refused to let me stay with them. When I told Billy he was surprised but wanted to see his son grow up, I moved to LaPush when you were in the second grade because I didn't want to leave my home at first. Later I realised that it wasn't fair on you and I took us to La Push so you could see your father and have a relationship with your siblings. I don't think he ever told Sarah or the kids otherwise I doubt your relationship with Jacob would have been the same" She says.

We spend the rest of the night dicussing my childhood and her past. It was then I realised I couldn't stay under the same roof as my mother anymore. Not after the childhood she gave me was the worst part of my life.

A few days later I move out. I pack my bags and walk out the door pausing only to say a swift goodbye to my mother. I tell Jacob and Quil that my reason for leaving was the strain the phasing secret was putting on our relationship. They don't look anymore into it.

I can't tell Jacob or Quil about my mother's revelation, it would ruin our friendship and I wasn't prepared to risk the closest thing I've had to real friends over some stupid mess my mother had gotten herself in.

.............

"This isn't fair on her. This isn't fair on any of us" I hear him whisper fiercely.

I am sitting on the sofa in the cramped quarters of Sam and Emily's house whilst being interrogated by my best friend, brother and alpha.

"What isn't?" I question; though I know perfectly well what he is referring to. I don't know how he found out but he did.

He has been endeavouring to undergo this conversation with me for the past few weeks, and I have been expertly avoiding. I was succeeding up until now, which is when he corners me at Sam and Emily's baby shower.

"You know perfectly well what I am talking about" He mutters glaring at me with a look of pure frustration`.

"If you're so adamant on having this 'discussion' why don't you just use the alpha command? Then I'll have no choice but to answer you, albeit unwillingly, but you'll get the answers you have been searching for nonetheless." I hiss.

I know it's something Jacob would never do; he was much too self-righteous for that. He felt the need to show us that that he was not in any way similar to Sam; that he had control over us without having to resort to force.

I didn't give a shit about whether he is like Sam or not, frankly I had no problem with the guy. The sole reason for leaving the other pack and my brothers was to join my best friend. The only people in our pack who have an aversion towards Sam are Leah and he, although Seth agrees that Sam can be an asshole when he wants.

"You know I can't" he spits out.

I admire him for his gratification, but sometimes it borderlines on arrogance; such as now. He has been constantly pestering me to have this conversation with him and my patience is beginning to wear thin.

"You haven't even tried" I point out scathingly.

Had he used the alpha command after the first rejection, he would have all the answers right now and he would be contemplating them instead of still attempting to pry the answers from within me.

"Look Embry this is for your own good, tell me and I promise I will help you. I just want the best for you. This has nothing to do with me." He proclaims, anger hinting his tone.

There are some topics people, especially those who are my friends, know to avoid in my presence. It is an unspoken rule and right now, Jacob Black is violating it.

I may be cynical, extremely over analytical and much too apprehensive than was healthy but I know that nothing is ever done solely for the purpose of helping another. There's always a catch, a deeper meaning. I have learned the hard way.

"I don't want to have this conversation with you. Or anyone else for that matter" I say getting up off the couch and walking towards the front door. There is no need for my presence to linger at this gathering any longer.

Sighing, I bid farewell to both packs and begin my journey home.

Having no partiality for phasing and running home home, I begin walking in the direction of the home I shared with Quil.

I have known Quil since the second grade, when I had moved here with my mother after she felt that my childhood experience would be much better in La Push rather than on the Makah Reservation. Well so she had told me at the time.

I had moved out of my mother's house a few weeks ago; my inclination being that I could no longer be a part of my mother's life. Not after I found out about all the lies she has been feeding me.

Jake found out about the argument with my mother and has since been longing to know the nature of our 'discussion'. I'm pretty sure he knows what the main issue we discussed was, and that the only reason he feels that it is place to know is because it may concern him.

Growing up as the bastard child on the reservation was never easy. I was always the topic of discussion amongst my peers. I was shunned by everyone. The outcast. In the second grade, Quil and Jake took to befriending me.

As it were, my cynical nature prevented me from trusting them completely; I was still very reserved and didn't entirely believe that anyone would want to be my friend.

I still have my reservations about my friendship with both Quil and Jacob.

To put it simply, I can't completely open up to them. Though that isn't really saying much, I have never been one to express my feelings. I feel as if I can't trust myself enough to keep my secrets, then why should I expect anyone else to keep them for me.

Granted I am closer to Quil than Jacob, but that doesn't mean I tell Quil everything. I doubt either one of them will understand my situation even if I try explaining it as best I can. How can they? Quil is part of the perfect poster family and Jake is so infatuated by Nessie that he can barely even understand the time anymore let alone my problems and their isn't a chance in hell I'm risking my friendship with Jake by telling him about his father.

My mother has never been much of a parental figure in my life. She left me to take care of myself after I reached the fifth grade; if she wasn't out partying then she would be at home unconscious or in a drunken stupor. I know she is ashamed of me and which is why to this day whenever she meets a new guy, something which happens often, she decides to leave out the fact that she has a son.

This is why, when I confronted her about my past and found out the truth about my father, I left.

Yawning, I look up at our little house and walk sluggishly over to the front door. Pulling out the key from my pocket I turn it, walk in the door and collapse on the sofa mulling over things which I have been keeping bottled up inside.

Had I known all this before, I would have most likely


	3. Future

**a/n:- here is the final chapter of Had I Known guys! I hope you enjoy it and REVIEW!**

**Future**

**10 Years Later**

Jacob did find out. He found out before I did.

5 years later, when I finally decided to work up the courage to confide in him what my mother had told me, he told me that he had known long ago; when he was in the second grade. I felt betrayed. How could he have not told me? I had waited five years to tell him for fear of rejection, he had waited twenty.

That was the reason why Jacob and Quil spoke to me. He told me that if we hadn't have been related then chances were, he wouldn't have even acknowledged me. I guess Quil would have followed Jacob if that were the case. He had always looked up to Jacob when we were kids; everyone had.

I asked him whether, had we not been related, he would go back and change his mind about not making friends with me. His answer was simple: no.

I know he resented both me and my mother for breaking up his family. I know he felt that we were to blame for his mother's death. That Sarah had not died in a simple car crash, no; she had purposefully crashed the car in order to take her own life.

Jacob did not confide this in me, but I had known him long enough to know that was what he was thinking.

During our confession session I told him what I really thought of his leadership skills and how sick I thought it was that he and Leah were going behind everyone's back and doing what they shouldn't have been doing. He had an imprint, responsibilities, he couldn't just forget about them because he fell for a girl.

At this statement he began to shake. His anger was evident; he had a maniacal look in his eyes. I wasn't scared. I had no reason to be. He closed the distance between us and pushed me up against the wall of his living room. He had grabbed me by the neck and hoisted me off the ground so that my legs were dangling a foot off the air. Though we were both shape-shifters, Jake was still 6 or 7 odd inches taller than me.

He pushed against my throat, choking me. My breathing became shallow as he threatened to kill me.

With the last of my breath I managed to remind him of what he was doing.

"This is what our alpha has resorted to, you know I don't think even Sam would do something like this. I know he is a prick but this is taking it too far" I said my voice hoarse.

His reply was short "I'm not Sam"

"No you're right Jacob. You're much worse than Sam. At least Sam had the balls not to do this. To hurt his own pack mates, brothers." I said. "And he would never dream about forgetting the one person who needed him the most; his imprint."

So after he told me to leave him and his family the fuck alone, I punched him.

I had no regrets about doing it. I had a lot of pent up anger inside of me; 24 years worth to be precise. It had broken his nose and while he had been attempting to reset it, I walked out the front door when Jacob ran out behind me and returned the punch with an equal amount of force.

Needless to say we both phased and ended up ripping each other's throats out.

I doubt either one of us would have stopped had it not been for Leah. Only she could stop Jacob, she had some strange power over him. There are some things I will never understand in this world. Not today, not ever.

I was aiming for his jugular when Leah phased and felt our kill instincts overpowering her thoughts.

I didn't know how or when it happened but she tackled me and Jacob and rendered us to become unconscious.

I had woken up with a headache, naked in the woods. It had been nice to know that my pack cared so much about me.

After the fight I realised how much I didn't belong in La Push. I could never belong somewhere where my own family turned against me. I had to leave before I was subjected to glaring looks and death threats from the entire reservation.

After that day I ran away, to the Makah reservation. It was far enough from home to not run into anyone accidently but close enough so that I could run home in an instant if anything went wrong.

I had stayed there for 2 months, working at a local garage and living in the woods wolf style. I had been content, as content as a person like me could get anyways. Just 2 months, before running into my imprint. It was the most frightening thing I had ever had the misfortune of dealing with.

The moment I had found out I had imprinted I ran. I couldn't take it anymore. I had never wanted to imprint. I had hated the thought of giving myself up completely to another person. I had always been afraid of being that close to anyone and if I hadn't even chosen to love that person then how could I trust them? Emotional imprisonment couldn't be classed as loved to anyone. The thought terrified me and had been the root cause of so many of my nightmares after I had phased.

The sole reason for me leaving La Push had been to get away from all this. Get away from the pain. But moving to the Makah reservation had just been another bad idea; another way to get my heart broken.

Some may find it hard to believe that I turned down the one chance I had of someone ever loving me, but I did. Rejection had never been an option I had been willing to risk. Maybe it was the result of being emotionally distant from everyone which made me run instead of embracing my destiny with this woman, but maybe I was just borderline insane. Either way I couldn't stay here, not like this.

**********

I had decided to run into the woods, in search of the one thing that could put me out of my misery. Life hadn't been the same anymore and I had known that there was one thing I had left to do.

I had run until I could run no further and found an area somewhere deep in the haunting forest to settle down. I was in agonizing pain; my imprint had been attempting to pull me back. To stop me. But there was nothing on this earth left that had the power to bring me back. I was too far in the depths of oblivion to be saved.

Slowly but surely, as time passed, the pain had become unbearable. I was sure it would kill but I had known that the pain was only a fraction of what I had suffered in my life. I couldn't have let that be the end.

It had felt like someone had torn the flesh on my skin apart, dived into my chest and had brutally attached steel cables to my heart. It had felt like someone had tied the other ends of the cables on to a truck and that truck had been driving at one hundred miles per hour trying to wrench my heart out of my chest but couldn't because my heart had been putting up a fight. Instead of pulling me home where I had meant to belong it had ripped my heart out and left me here to bleed. The pain had been excruciating. Imprinting was far from the bliss that the pack had made it out to be. It had been torture.

For days I had stayed there in the forest, refusing to eat, sleep or think. I had just waited. I had been beginning to doubt whether it would happen but exactly 5 days 16 hours and 24 minutes after my wait had begun they had come. I had quickly phased knowing it would be easier that way; I wanted to be alone when it happened. I did not want to risk one of the pack members knowing about this encounter. I knew I had been able to shield my thoughts from them for the past 5 months, but I knew that wouldn't be the case now. I had things which I needed to think about; to contemplate everything whilst I had the chance.

They had been searching. They would have to settle for me. I knew that if they had been hungry enough, they wouldn't have recognised my scent. It would just be a distorted version of a human scent, but nothing overly concerning. If they had been just looking for a simple snack to quench their momentary thirst, then I would have a little more trouble in persuading them.

Of course being that fate despises me, they hadn't been hungry. They realised almost instantaneously what I was. They had cautious as they approached me although they had relaxed after they saw what I had become; a pathetic snivelling wolf. Weak. An easy target.

I had hoped that they would make it quick and just walk over and do what they had to. I didn't want to have to lower myself so much as to grovel for their aid. There were much easier methods of doing what I wanted to do.

I guess fate had decided to grant me one last wish because that's exactly what they did, though not after a quick sneering session. I guess everything comes at a price. My cynical side had known that from the very beginning; since I had been a kid.

"Look what we have here" One of them had laughed. He had been tall with a mop of striking red hair. His eyes as you would expect them to be, a menacing shade of crimson.

"Hmmm, what shall we do? Another one, a female, with blonde hair which was almost white to match the paleness of her skin had questioned.

They had spent the next half hour discussing possible scenarios, all of which ended up exactly where I had wanted them to. I had decided not to intervene for there was no need. I did not want them to re-evaluate after they realised that I wanted them to do this.

In the end they had decided to opt for a rather minimalistic approach. The leader had just walked over to me and looked at me, disgust tainting his features.

He had placed a foot, clad in large boots, upon my face lightly before smashing it down forcefully, causing my nose and jaw to break. Blood erupted from my nose and covered my face. Spluttering blood from my mouth too I looked up hoping that they would do what they had promised to do.

It wasn't the leader who had graced me with the favour. It was the woman. The smell of her overpowered my nose as she slowly approached me. She had knelt on the ground next to my head and placed a small kiss on my neck before sinking her sharp teeth into my skin.

The effect was instantaneous. My neck seared with heat as I could no longer see anything. The leeches had run off, their laughter echoing in the distance.

My death had been the single most painful thing I had ever experienced, I felt as though someone had left me to burn in a fire while my heart was still attached to the truck that was repeatedly pulling my heart out. I had deserved this, after everything that happened to me I figured I must have been a really bad person in my previous life to have had this happen to me. So I embraced the pain with welcoming arms until darkness enveloped me.

I was freed from all pain.

******

I have been dead for 5 years. I have been freed from all pain and destruction.

I now look down upon my family. I see them live their daily lives oblivious to the fact that I am dead. I don't think they will ever know. I'm ok with that though. I didn't belong with them, and my death has shown me that I was destined for a better life roaming the skies as a spirit, with my ancestors: the spirit warriors.

For once in my life I am happy.

But sometimes I wonder, had I known about it all then maybe, just maybe my life could have been different.

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**I know it's a really depressing story but I just couldn't make it another 'happily ever after' story. I despise those when they aren't called for. And my opinion is that this wasn't one of those stories. REVIEW!**


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